prideful lost 4

My office colleagues advised me to consider aborting the baby, I told them No, I will not.. I insisted on having the baby, perhaps it is my way of repaying his mother for causing her death.

One day, I came home and I saw him sitting in the living room. The whole house was filled with cigarette smoke. On the coffee table, was lying this piece of paper. I immediately knew what it is all about without even looking at it to read it’s content. 

In the two months plus of living alone, I have gradually learned to find peace within myself. I looked at him, removed my hat and said: “You wait a while, I will sign.” He looked at me, wit with mixed feelings in his eyes, just like mine. As I hang up my coat, I kept repeating to myself “You cannot cry, you cannot cry…” my eyes hurt terribly, but I refused to let tears out. 

After I hung up my coat, his eyes fixed at my bulging tummy with a stare. I smiled, walked over to the coffee table and pulled the paper towards me. Without even looking at what it says, I signed my name on it and pushed the paper to him. “LD, are you pregnant?” He spurt out. Since mother’s accident, this is the first time he speaking to me. I could not control my tears any further and they fell like raindrops. I said: “Yes, but its ok, you can leave now.” He did not go, in the dark, we sat, facing each other. He slowly moved over me, his tears wet his dress. In my heart, everything seems so far away,even if I sprint, I could never reach them. I cannot remember how many times he repeatedly said “sorry” to me. I had originally thought that I would forgive him, but now I can’t. In the western restaurant, in front of that girl, that cold look in his eyes, I will never forget, never ever. We have caused such deep scars in each other’s heart. For me, it’s unintentional; for him, totally and absolutely intentional. 


I had been waiting for this moment of reconciliation, but I realized now, that what had gone past is gone forever and could not be undone.

Other than the thought of the baby inside me that would bring some warmth to my heart, I am totally cold towards him, I no longer eat anything he buys for me nor take any presents from him, I also stopped talking to him. From the moment I signed on that piece of paper, marriage and love had vanished from my heart. Sometimes, he will try to come into our bedroom, but when he walks in, I will walk out to the living room. He had no choice but to sleep in his mother’s room. At night, from his room, I can hear sounds of groaning, I kept quiet… This used to be his trick; when all was well between us, whenever I ignore him, he would fake illness and I will surrender and find out what is wrong with him, he would then grab me and laugh. He has forgotten that was the last time I cared for him and I showed concern because there was love, but now, what is there between us? Hubby’s groaning came on and off 

Consistently but I continuously ignored him, Almost everyday, he would buy something for the baby, infant products, children products and books that kids like to read. Bags and bags of it stacked inside his room till it was full. I knew he was trying to use this to reach out to me, but I was no longer moved by his actions. He has no choice but to lock himself in his room and I can hear him typing away on his computer keyboard, maybe he is now addicted to web surfing but none of that matters to me anymore.

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