I know at least once we’ve all tried so hard to plan our lives. Where we get a little notepad to write out every events, occurrence, steps and success achievement. Like after elementary / nursery and primary school, to high school and get through at the age of 16, take one entrance exam and then boom you are in college. Fast forward the years of studying, graduated at the age of 22-24, get a good job that pays amazingly good, meet your soulmate, fall in love, get married and live happily ever after.
Then in reality you would be 25 in few months, still struggling to get through college when you not even close to finishing and yet it’s one school you would never have imagined to be in but was lucky when you got an admission because you have taken entrance exam like 4-5 times without any positive results and you are no longer finding it funny to school anymore. The most annoying part is when you have changed your heart chosen major/course up to 5 times just to get anything available to study and it feels like you no longer know what your dreams are.
Well let me properly introduce myself, am Tina Barnabas and those miserable happenings have stated up there are what have been through but am very sure someone out there is going through the same. This is not a phase because a phase will roll away and you enter something better like another phase but in this case it’s like a rollercoaster, turning and turning but will eventually go back to the same spot. Have always planned my life so well that i thought never would anything go wrong because am a very smart girl. Out of all the plans i had penned down, only one is really happening and thats paying bills every months but only in this case i don’t have any job. I would be twenty five in less than 6months, i have no achievement to be proud of except for being alive though, which is seeing each new day, hoping for great expectations and new opportunities. I go to school everyday like its just a place to get a hard copy of another appreciation at the end as certificate to compliment me for sitting down in a boring class while my dream fades away. I think the most hurtful part of it is when you are pretending to be happy but deep inside its all blisters and wounds.
I have dreams of being great, living a life that my younger ones could emulate from, a life where my mum would live comfortably under my hospitality and be proud of me but now it’s just not the same. Mum has been so supportive of everything and she believes in my dreams. The same dream i have given up on and i don’t even remember what these dreams are anymore. Each paragraphs now describes been miserable about to be 25.
This is where the ‘pressure’ comes in the picture. When most people around me thinks i don’t know what i want when it comes to love but no one knows my heart like i do. Some point they thought i wasn’t ready to commit to a serious relationship but in the end it’s goes back to the same habit. Few days or weeks of meeting a man it’s all fun, chatty, cute little messages, long talks on phone but immediately after three months maximum it’s like we drag irritation into the relationship. At first i thought i was possessed or something but then i heard this silent voice inside of me that keeps saying i should stop trying and let it happen naturally. It says i should stop hooking up with someone who is just around when i wanted that moment talk and i should stop forcing every relationship into a boyfriend and girlfriend relationship because some are just the shoulder leaning buddies. Now my mum is becoming worried and worried everyday concerning my relationship life. The last time we spoke i think she gave me a two year ultimatum indirectly. She wants me to introduce that one person that i connect with and want to spend all time with. The pressure sets in really high when i received her text saying introduce someone, introduce anybody. It’s like am becoming a shame and nobody understands how i truly feel. My life was full of serving people that i didn’t even realized age wasn’t on my side anymore. It hurts to never be able to write down or imagine memories on one interesting youthful, teenager or childhood fun time. It’s like all girls in my age range are all getting married and this makes her really worried because have not even introduced anyone yet, let alone marry.
The one person am dating and truly knows about how pressured i am and how depressed am getting, couldn’t even see deep inside me. He couldn’t even see pass my physical being but worried how it’s going to change him. Why no one ever consider how painful it is not to be able to smile at anything without thinking it could have been done by them/me. Am not even 25 yet but am really tired, miserable and pressured.
Right now am putting everything to stop, it’s time to write my own story. I don’t mind having all fun that have missed in one month. I want to shut myself away from all these pressure and for once try to make at least one of my dreams come through.
“Truly man proposes but God disposes” Right now i leave all to my Creator to handle.
Based on a true life story
Put together by sheydeahqb